I dont know that this is necessary for anyone in the world but me. It feels like I need a reason to justify that to convince myself that its true. I need to start writing, whether or not you care about it. Ive become stagnant in the way that I no longer see beauty in the mundane unless I really intentionally look for it. Its all just become too boring for me.
I catch the eyes of my peers as they leave, but we are both too shy to say anything, so instead I look away.
Reading options make me nauseous (wednesday reference but likely the other way around) As the room fills with the smell of stale weed and mac and cheese as these record label employees prepare to go to their meeting. Hustle and bustle surrounds me, yet I am left with nothing to do but write out my useless thoughts.
I begin to think back to my childhood. I was always very nervous, scared of some unknown thing. I guess that thing still follows me. Today I would define these fears as a fear of losing control; when I was young, I was never in control, so how could I be afraid of losing it. I guess things have changed. At least today I have the option to be in control, even if I do consistently lose it or choose to let go. Its sickening the way I see myself fall into these patterns of behavior time and time again. At least Im not an alcoholic. Im too scared to abuse substances because I fear that I will, again, lose. control. Ive seen that in myself from time to time. The urge to always...have more... or be more. It doesnt feel too concerning in the moment, mostly just feels like Im just trying to fit in.
Im alone in this office. Why do they leave me alone in this office?
I can leave whenever I want, I just dont have the guts.
Not even to go anywhere, but to simply sit at the bigger table with the other interns. Its because Im embarrassed that I have nothing to do. Again, Ive lost control. Ive tried to take initiative and talk to people and get things done, but Im too quick. Im ready for the next task before they expect me to be, so instead I sit here. I goofed off on my computer for 30 minutes instead of taking a lunch break. I didnt have time to make lunch this morning and what good is a lunch break if you
have no lunch to eat.
But also, whatever.
Introspective.
I suppose thats what Im trying to be. I always feel like Ive been pretty introspective, or better said, self-aware. This isnt something new. What Im doing now is something new. I need a better word. Perhaps... outrospective. Or what other people might call expressive, but that could mean so many different things.
Definitions
Introspective: Someone who is introspective spends considerable time examining his own thoughts and feelings.
Outrospective: someone who examines these thoughts and feelings and barfs it onto any victims willing to hear
How many words is enough? To get you to really get it.
I cant write as fast as I think, typing is much quicker but also so much more L.A.M.E. lame.
Goodbye to the last standing person in this office.
I didnt even realize you were in here too.
Ive stopped making art.
I still make art and you might have seen some of it.
But Ive stopped making meaningful art. Art that is fueled by some form of inner me.
How can I make something as original and cool as everyone around me?
I need to remember that that isnt the point.
I hate my computer and I never want to use it again,
Except sometimes it can do some really cool and helpful things.
And also I dont know how to code and I dont know why it makes every damn apostrophe look crazy.
Im at a stalemate with myself.
thank god its five already, i can finally go home
peace.
